"In Plaster" by Sylvia Plath

Wiersz mlodej,tragicznie zmarlej poetki - Sylwii Plath (1932-1963), o tym, jak bycie w gipsie otwiera na rozmyslanie o podwojnym ja.


In Plaster

I shall never get out of this! There are two of me now:
This new absolutely white person and the old yellow one,
And the white person is certainly the superior one.
She doesn't need food, she is one of the real saints.
At the beginning I hated her, she had no personality --
She lay in bed with me like a dead body
And I was scared, because she was shaped just the way I was

Only much whiter and unbreakable and with no complaints.
I couldn't sleep for a week, she was so cold.
I blamed her for everything, but she didn't answer.
I couldn't understand her stupid behavior!
When I hit her she held still, like a true pacifist.
Then I realized what she wanted was for me to love her:
She began to warm up, and I saw her advantages.

Without me, she wouldn't exist, so of course she was grateful.
I gave her a soul, I bloomed out of her as a rose
Blooms out of a vase of not very valuable porcelain,
And it was I who attracted everybody's attention,
Not her whiteness and beauty, as I had at first supposed.
I patronized her a little, and she lapped it up --
You could tell almost at once she had a slave mentality.

I didn't mind her waiting on me, and she adored it.
In the morning she woke me early, reflecting the sun
From her amazingly white torso, and I couldn't help but notice
Her tidiness and her calmness and her patience:
She humored my weakness like the best of nurses,
Holding my bones in place so they would mend properly.
In time our relationship grew more intense.

She stopped fitting me so closely and seemed offish.
I felt her criticizing me in spite of herself,
As if my habits offended her in some way.
She let in the drafts and became more and more absent-minded.
And my skin itched and flaked away in soft pieces
Simply because she looked after me so badly.
Then I saw what the trouble was: she thought she was immortal.

She wanted to leave me, she thought she was superior,
And I'd been keeping her in the dark, and she was resentful --
Wasting her days waiting on a half-corpse!
And secretly she began to hope I'd die.
Then she could cover my mouth and eyes, cover me entirely,
And wear my painted face the way a mummy-case
Wears the face of a pharaoh, though it's made of mud and water.

I wasn't in any position to get rid of her.
She'd supported me for so long I was quite limp --
I had forgotten how to walk or sit,
So I was careful not to upset her in any way
Or brag ahead of time how I'd avenge myself.
Living with her was like living with my own coffin:
Yet I still depended on her, though I did it regretfully.

I used to think we might make a go of it together --
After all, it was a kind of marriage, being so close.Now I see it must be one or the other of us.She may be a saint, and I may be ugly and hairy,
But she'll soon find out that that doesn't matter a bit.
I'm collecting my strength; one day I shall manage without her,
And she'll perish with emptiness then, and begin to miss me.


W gipsie

Nigdy sie z tego nie wyzwole! Jest nas teraz dwoje:
Jedna jest nowa i snieznobiala, a druga, stara i zolta,
Snieznobiala jest bez watpienia ta, ktora dominuje.
Nie potrzebuje jesc, jest jak prawdziwa swieta.
Na poczatku ja nienawidzilam, taka bez osobowosci —
Lezala ze mna w lozku jak martwa,
A ja przerazona tym, ze jest dokladnie wyrzezbiona na moj ksztalt,

Tylko bardziej biala i nielamliwa, i bez zadnych narzekan.
Przez tydzien nie moglam spac, z powodu jej zimna.
Winilam ja za wszystko, lecz ona byla niewzruszona.
Nie moglam zrozumiec jej glupiego zachowania!
Kiedy ja uderzylam, nawet sie nie poruszyla, prawdziwa pacyfistka.
Pozniej zorientowalam sie, ze ona chciala bym ja pokochala.
I zaczela sie rozgrzewac, a ja zobaczylam jej dobre strony.

Beze mnie, nie moglaby istniec, za co oczywiscie byla wdzieczna.
Dalam jej dusze, i rozkwitlam z niej jak roza
Rozkwita z wazonu, z kiepskiej porcelany,
I to ja przykulam wszystkich uwage,
Nie jej biel czy piekno, czego sie na poczatku spodziewalam.
Troche ja holubilam, a ona skrzetnie na to odpowiadala —
Mozna by od razu powiedziec, ze miala mentalnosc niewolnika.

Nie przeszkadzalo mi, ze mi dogadza, ona to lubila robic.
Rankiem budzila mnie wczesnie, sloncem odbijanym
Od niesamowicie bialego ciala, nie moglam pomoc inaczej, niz spogladajac
na jej schludnosc i jej cichosc, i jej cierpliwosc:
Lagodzila moje cierpienia jak najlepsza pielegniarka,
Dbajac o moje kosci tak, by prawidlowo sie zrosly.
Wtedy nasz zwiazek zaczal zakwitac.

Przestala byc ze mna jednomyslna, a zaczela traktowac z rezerwa.
Czulam jak mnie krytykuje wbrew samej sobie,
Jak gdyby obrazaly ja moje przyzwyczajenia.
Wpuscila wiecej powietrza, a sama uleciala myslami w dal.
A moja skora zaczela mnie swedzic i schodzic miekimi platami.
Po prostu nie dbala o mnie dobrze.
Wtedy zobaczylam, o co chodzi: ona myslala, ze jest niesmiertelna.

Chciala mnie opuscic, myslala, ze to ona rzadzi,
Trzymalam ja w ciemnosci, a ona byla obrazona —
Marnowanie jej dni w dogadzaniu polowce ciala!
Po cicho, zaczela wierzyc, ze umre.
Wtedy moglaby pokryc moje usta i oczy, zakryc mnie calkowicie.
I trzymac moja pomalowana twarz tak, jak opakowanie mumi
trzyma twarz faraona, chociaz zrobione jest z wody i gliny.

Nie chcialam w zaden sposob pozbyc sie jej.
Przeciez tak dlugo mnie wspierala, a ja teraz taka slaba
Zapomnialam, jak chodzic i siadac.
Ostroznie, zatem, nie chcialam ja w zaden sposob urazic
Czy cieszyc sie przedwczesnie z ewentualnej zemsty.
Zycie z nia bylo jak zycie z wlasna trumna:
Ciagle od niej zalezalam, chociaz robilam to ze skrucha.

Zdawalo mi sie, ze moglibysmy sprobowac razem —
Mimo wszystko, to przeciez byl rodzaj malzenstwa, bycie tak blisko siebie.
Teraz widze, ze musi byc jedna albo druga.
Ona moze byc swieta, a ja moge byc brzydka i wlochata
Ale ona wkrotce sie dowie, ze to nie wazne.
Zbieram swoje sily: pewnego dnia poradze sobie bez niej,
A wtedy, ona odejdzie w nicosc i zacznie za mna tesknic.